


Meerkat, Reptile and Snake

by SilverMyfanwy



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Comedy, Dragons, F/M, Lawyers, Legal Drama, Mythology - Freeform, Mythology References, Trials, and Percy gets sued, and it's really ridiculous, i have no idea how to tag this, ish, there's a court
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-11 17:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18428732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMyfanwy/pseuds/SilverMyfanwy
Summary: Calypso traced her finger across the map to a section labelled MEERKAT, REPTILE & SNAKE, which sounded like the worst law firm ever.- Chapter 13, The Dark Prophecy by Rick Riordan.-Meerkat, Reptile & Snake was the most successful law firm in all of Greek mythology. It survived wars, grumpy gods, toga mishaps and oaths on the Styx. Mad or just plain crazy, they handled it all. Then came the day the remains of Gaia's army tried to sue Percy Jackson.





	Meerkat, Reptile and Snake

**Author's Note:**

> I read the passage in the summary and knew what I was going to do with it straight away.  
> If you can think of anything else I could tag, let me know!  
> Thanks to C, who helped with music suggestions.  
> Enjoy!

Meerkat, Reptile and Snake was the most successful law firm in all of Greek mythology.

It had been set up by Meerkat, Dragon (they’d had to put ‘Reptile’ on the sign for fear of scaring people away with the word ‘Dragon’) and Snake. People tended to be least likely to go to Snake, expecting some kind of poisonous cobra with a hood and two white fangs dripping poison, although in reality Snake was a very small corn snake who had to close his eyes when he ate because he felt so bad about consuming dead mice.

You would have thought that the next scariest of the three would be Dragon, but in reality it was Meerkat.

Meerkat was a punk. He had his fur dyed red and black at the tips, a ring in his ear and was known to wear leather jackets to work, although normally he’d swap it for a toga or a suit in the court room. When he wasn’t seeing clients, Queen of the Stone Age and Muse would be blaring out of the speakers in his office.

Then there was Dragon. Dragon liked wearing knitted jumpers and drank tea out of a bucket. She was also the most feared criminal lawyer in the country.

The law firm continued through the ages, surviving wars and messy cases, annoying clients and grumpy gods, whining giants, arguing cyclops, some horrific murder cases, a few explosions, betrayals, trysts, magical contracts, oaths on the Styx and all kinds of other magical- and historical- madness along the way.

There was the case where Medusa tried to sue Athena for character defamation alongside Arachne, Hera tried to get divorces banned after Zeues started to drop hints he’d had enough after she had another of his demigod children brutally murdered in an incident involving a slime pit, a NERF gun and a broken battleaxe; the giant twins Otis and Ephilates tried to sure Mount Olympus- yes, the actual mountain, not the gods- and then the case that made all the others seem even partly sane.

The case against Percy Jackson.

-

“Annabeth!” Percy shouted. “Smething just came through the window and I think it’s bad!”

Annabeth rushed in, knife at the ready. “What is it?”

Percy held out a bedraggled sheet of paper with a long piece of text on it in Ancient Greek. “This.”

“I though it was a monster.” Annabeth took the paper.

“I think I’d rather it was a monster.” Percy muttered.

Annabeth read it quickly. “I think I’d rather it was too.”

“What is it? I stopped reading at ‘sue’, that’s the thing where you get taken to court and have to pay a big load of money, isn’t it?”

“Ma Gasket and various other monsters who fought for Gaia are suing your for grievous bodily harm and property damage.”

“What does that mean?”

“They want a load of money from you because you hit them and broke their stuff.”

“So what do we do?”

“We need to get you a lawyer to try and stop them from being able to get a load of money off you because you haven’t got loads of money. You haven’t, have you?”

“No. My mom had a college fund set up for me, I think, but when I found out about New Rome and got offered a place she spent the money on kitchen counters. And I also told her that I could get my dad to pay for college if I asked him to.”

“Then we need to get you a lawyer, and a good one.”

-

“Meerkat, reptile and Snake? Are you sure this is a law firm?” Percy stood outside the building and gazed up at the sign.

“Yep. Best magical law firm you’ll find anywhere. I’ve booked you an appointment, so they’ll be expecting us.”

-

The law firm was clean, tidy, organised and well run; all things that Percy wasn’t particularly used to in his day to day life. The creatures and mythological beings running the place and waiting in chairs and reception were all far more familiar.

“We’re going to see Snake.” Annabeth said quietly.

“We’re going to see a snake?” Percy tried not to screech. “Are you- is that a good idea?”

“He’s the best in the business.”

“Are you sure this isn’t going to be a trap?” Percy was clicking Riptide anxiously.

“Yes. We’ll be fine.”

-

Percy had been in a lot of weird situations, but sitting at a desk across from a corn snake with glasses wearing a dark green tie took the biscuit and perhaps even the tin.

Annabeth explained the situation to Snake, who had a magic pen that wrote things down all by itself. It was very, very distracting.

“Where did you get that pen from?” Percy blurted out.

“The Muses gave it to me after I won them a copyright case against Aphrodite.” Snake said patiently. “Now from what Miss Chase has been telling me, this is going to be be a rather complicated cross-mythology case. When Miss Chase first contacted e about taking you on as a client, I did some research into who exactly was suing you and there are creatures from both Greek and Roman mythology, so instead f the usual Greek style court case it will be am mixed one. I would be willing to take you on as a client; should you wish to discuss-”

“No.” Percy said quickly. “You have a magic pen, I’d like you to be my lawyer please.” he glanced to Annabeth to check that she wasn’t making a disapproving face at this back. She wasn’t.

Snake smiled. “Thank you.”

-

The day of the court case came.

And then went, with nothing actually happening.

According to Snake it was perfectly normal for things like this to happen.

“If it’s so normal, why does it never happen on TV?” Percy asked.

Snake took a deep breath. “This is not an American court. It has a mixture of the workings of the American legal system, the ancient Greek, the Salem witch hunts and the Viking. Also I think there might be some trial by fire in there, but you don’t need to worry about that because you aren’t on trial for murder and you don’t need to worry about English witch trials wither because you aren’t on trial for suspected unlicensed cursing.”

“So if I had a license I could curse people and not get in trouble for it?" Percy was shocked.

Snake nodded. “Oh yes, but only if you went through all the training and received a grade 6 or above in the final examination. I’ve just done a case on it.”

“Did you know about this?” Percy whispered to Annabeth. She shook her head.

The case truly began t the next day. The judge- a talking pig who apparently hadn't always been a talking pig but owing to an unfortunate incident with the witch the week before was stuck in that form for the foreseeable future- ordered silence in the courtroom by threatening anyone who dared to make a noise with a bucket of cold custard over the head.

Ma Gasket was the first to speak.

How she was allowed to act as her own lawyer, Percy wasn’t sure, but the judge didn’t seem to sure about it either.

“Hang on, hang on, hold up for a moment. You are being your _own_ lawyer?” the judge asked skeptically.

Ma Gasket nodded. “Yes your Honour.”

“I was not aware that it was possible to represent oneself in a court of law.” the judge looked over to one of the court assistants, who nodded.

“I took an online course last week.” Ma Gasket said, rather smugly. “I got a qualification. Would you like to see the certificate? The printer ran out of black ink so I'm afraid it’s all in blue and yellow stripes.”

The judge held up a trotter. “No, I do not think that will be necessary. Are you sure this is allowed, Mildred?”

The court assistant nodded again and handed a piece of paper to the judge, which seemed to satisfy him. “Very well. Please lay your case before the court.”

“On behalf of the the forces of Gaia’s collapsed army, I am suing Percy Jackson for grievous bodily harm and damage and destruction of property.”

“And when you say on behalf of the forces of Gaia’s army, who are convicted of numerous war crimes and are currently being investigated over a number of offences, you mean that you are fighting for all of them, including yourself.”

“Yes your Honour.”

“You are referring to the events of the two year sage when a large number of serious incidents took place between groups in which Percy Jackson was a member and incidents in which Percy Jackson acted alone against the forces of Gaia in this case, are you not?”

“I am.”

“If Percy Jack’s lawyer would care to take the stand in his defense.” The judge invited.

Snake went to the stand. "Your Honour, Percy Jackson saved the world.”

“Which one?” the judge asked flatly.

Snake turned to Percy. “Which world did you save? Or do you mean Planet Earth?”

“Uh, I think it was Planet Earth. Is there more than one world?”

“This court deals with cases from across 17 different worlds, sometimes known as realms.” the judge explained.

“There are 17 different worlds?” Percy asked, astounded. “Uh, well, I think I only saved one. This one. Earth. Camp Half-Blood? Long Island. New York.”

“So you saved your world.”

Percy nodded.

The judge muttered something to one of the court assistants, who nodded and hurried away. “Court dismissed. We meet again in an hour.”

Percy exchanged a confused look with Annabeth and then turned to Snake. “What’s going on?” he hissed. “Why are they doing this so soon? Is it normal?”

“Given that the judge sent one of the assistants out before dismissing the court, and that this case is so closely connected to many other cases, I would say that it’s probably something to do with evidence or information from other cases and investigations.” Snake explained.

“Is that good or bad? What does it mean?”

“I have no idea”

-

The case resumed an hour later, with one small addition to the room: two security cyclopes at the door.

“Why are they here?” Percy whispered to Annabeth. She shrugged.

The judge hit his desk with the gavel and the court fell silent. “Ma Gasket?”

“Yes your Honour?”

“You are under arrest for that long list of stuff Alistor’s holding up,” the judge gestured to the court assistants holding a scroll, “and you have unsuccessfully sued Percy Jackson. Guards!”

“Does this mean I’ve won?” Peter asked Snake.

“Hang on.”

The judge continued. “Ma Gasket, by order of this court, you also have to pay Percy Jackson 10, 000 gold drachma for defamation of character. Arrest her.”

“You’ve won.” Snake told Percy Jackson. “I’ll contact you late on about my fee. It’s been a pleasure working with you.”

Snake left. Percy and Annabeth sat in silence for a moment, watching Ma Gasket try and resist arrest.

“That was quick.” Percy said eventually.

“10, 000 gold drachma.”

“I can have some fun with that.”

“You could.”

“Or I could give it to camp to pay for more satyrs.”

“Yes.”

“I like going to court.” Percy decided. “Can I sue someone?”

Annabeth put her head in her hands and groaned.

-

Life returned to normal.

Meerkat, reptile and Snake made the headlines for Percy Jackson’s case and won a national award  that year for professional conduct. They also got a shiny new sign, courtesy of their new sponsor, Camp Half-Blood.

Percy spent some of the money on blue food and skateboards. The rest went to Camp.

Ma Gasket went to jail, where she started a newspaper column, and Meerkat got a fine from the council for playing Beartooth too loudly.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.


End file.
